Into the Mystic

Here we are counting down the last days until Christmas, and all the young people in my life are a mixed bag of anticipation, hope and trepidation (((laughs))).

Yes, trepidation, over the possibilities of just what might be inside those innocuous appearing wrapped packages, under their grandma’s tree.

It is a well-known fact that grandmothers can, and will, gift you with what they think you need.

After all, they have eons more of experience in life matters than your parents do, and to them, your parents are still kids anyway so therefore they simply cannot be relied on to make sure you have everything you really, truly need.

Now make no mistake, if grandma feels you need Preparation-H (let’s not even get into how or why she would think that..UGH), but the point is, if she THINKS you need Preparation-H, you can bet your arse, that is exactly what you will be unwrapping in front of the whole family at Christmas.

And be prepared, to suck up your mortification and smile big for that picture you know she is going to insist on taking to mark that special occasion.

Nothing like being memorialized in the family albums for all-time with your big ‘ole grin and a tube of Prep-H. (((giggles)))

Who hasn’t been there done that one, though??!!

It is just a part of being a dutiful and appreciative grandchild, and if you were fortunate enough to have grandparents, and they treated you well as grandparents should..then hey, what’s a little personal mortification once or twice a year to show how much you love them, right?

So, onto the story that prompted this blog today.

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My daughter’s and nieces, of which there are 5 girls total, all within the ages of 16-22, share one rather feisty young-at-heart, occasionally shockingly, verbally explicit Grandma.

Nope..it is not my mother, though I’ll share that mine beats this one hands down in the shock factors, and we’ll just leave that subject to rest. ((winks))

Now this group of young ladies, is very accustomed to Grandma doing ‘theme gifting’.

Theme gifting: where every child of the same gender in the family, regardless of age or personal preference, is going to receive the same gift.

Reasons for theme gifting?

Number 1:  because they need it. Apparently, the child themselves or their unreliable parents, were just too daft to realize the child needed it.  Not Grandma though, she monitors everything like a hawk and it is her job to do so, and she knows..you neeeeed it.

Number 2:  because she has a lot of grandchildren to buy for. Also, even if she will not admit to it, she would rather be pumping quarters into the slots than pumping cash into Macy’s all day.

Not that the money is the issue so much, after all, these are her dearly beloved grandbabies, it is more likely about her having spent such a large portion of her life up until now meeting all the needs and demands of everyone else in her Matriarchal Domain, that now she prefers to spend her time having some “me fun”, not hanging out in long lines at the local Galleria.

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Have you never taken notice of the Grandmother’s hitting the malls bright and early outfitted in their Sweats and Adidas running shoes, fanny pack firmly strapped on, and ready to roll?

I sure have and I have seen my daughters’ Grandma do it as a ritual.

It is almost a certainty that the more decked out a grandmother is in running gear and the bigger the fanny pack, the more grandbabies she has to purchase for and it’s a safe bet Grandma is for sure going to be locked, loaded and ready to get that all wrapped up in record time.

You see, she has an agenda.

The grandchildren come first, but she is definitely banking on her well-honed skills of speed, theme shopping to get her to the off-track in time for happy hour.

As an added bonus, if she can cut a good deal by buying in bulk for all those grandbabies, then there will be bonus funds available in which case it will be double-down time folks.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, this particular grandmother in our family has got her hawk-eyes on the radar setting at this period in time.

Currently, she has 5 granddaughters, all coming of, or recently have come of, that age.

You know, the age of possible promiscuity and out-of-wedlock ‘friendliness’ (((smirks..note choice of terms is based on the fact that grandma  just actually may choose to read this blog, even though she never reads my stuff and with Saturn squaring my Moon right now, I am keeping all of my bases covered preemptively))).

So what does grandma feel these lovely ladies need this year?

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SNUGGIES!!!

Get your Snuggies today folks, the all-purpose gift that not only keeps you warm and snuggly, it also comes with a GUARANTEE of effectively repelling those wild boys your grandma always warned you about!

((Laughing here!!..now ladies, if you have a Snuggie, and you are just really not in-the-mood, that’s cool, and I’m not trying to be knocking your Snuggie, but good lord, if you really want to get a motor running..a Snuggie is not something I’d recommend, unless of course, you happen to be knockin’ boots with a Muppet, then by all means, fill your closet with every style they offer and have at, baby 🙂 )).

Now you may be wondering by this point how I know not only that these young ladies are indeed receiving Snuggies from grandma, but also that these Snuggies, are intended to be used in place of condoms, as full-scale fail-proof protection?

Here’s how:

Ms. Ali came home from Grandma’s the other day, after spying Grandma doing her gift wrapping.

On a neat little pile were 4 gifts, already wrapped, and one still in progress.

The one in progress, was a lush zebra-pattern, and after sneaking up behind an unsuspecting Grandma, was identified as indeed being the newest high-fashion print Snuggie, now available at your local retailers.

Ali is quite aware of Grandma’s ritual theme-gifting, and in quick order she knew that yes, the delights of Snuggie ownership were soon to be a reality for herself and the other 4 ladies-in-waiting, in this Matriarch’s family.

So Ali comes home and announces in a voice filled with resolved misery, “Oh god Mom..you will not BELIEVE what Grandma got for all of us girls.”

Sure I would.

I had a Grandma too..and I have seen this Grandma of hers in action many times before.

ALI: “I saw Zebra, do you understandddddddd what that means ??? I saw Zebra..it was right there…and I know there is more of those in those other boxes, I just have no idea who is getting what print.”

Now, a footnote here..in our household, we have a bit of a thing about Snuggies, ever since Christopher remarked that their commercials creep him out, because it’s like watching families in cults hanging out together at ballgames and barbeque’s.

And too, after seeing SNL’s little romp with the Snuggie, well, let’s just say it has totally lost any appeal it may have had in our household almost right from the get go.

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A bit after Ali sharing with me her Grandma’s chosen implement of torture for these girls this year, mind you not because she is an evil Grandma, but because she is a Grandma that takes her job seriously, and because they NEED these…. my other daughter K, phoned.

Now, bless this other daughter of mine, she can and does BELIEVE anything and everything, and needs the help of no other talking her into believing either, she is quite capable of running with that ball all on her own.

You see, she is a Sagittarius Sun with a Sag stellium (and that should be enough said). 🙂

Now I’m on the phone with K, and she is pandering on and on about what she hopes she is getting for Christmas from her family..and I say:

“Well, I know one thing you are getting from grandma”.

That’s it, and that was all I had to say, to ellicit this response from her:

K whining: “Oh My GOD MOM..oh my god..tell me, come on, just tell me..what is it this year???…oh lord, what did she do this time??..you have to tell me…I just can’t keep going through this year after year..I just can’t take it…you HAVE TO TELL ME!”..

ME: ((( am laughing hysterically the whole time..a bit of a witchy laugh at that, I think it is just so damn funny..especially since that particular grandma is no longer my mother-in-law..bless her!)))

Ali is sitting nearby and listening to all of this, and giving the “lips stay sealed” motions..she in no way wants to bring down the wrath of Grandma on herself for being the one who gave up the secret and  ruined the surprise and awe of her fellow females-in-waiting when they open those so well-thought-out gifts.

Yes, I said well-thought-out, and believe you me, I know Grandma is one sharp cookie, and I am completely confident that she knows exactly what she is hoping to achieve when she gifts items like this.

Nothing is ever a chance event with this woman.

So here I am with my Sagittarian, believe-anything-bigtime daughter on the phone, and her can’t-be-fooled Scorpionic sister beside me, and I’m bound by one to stay mum, and hounded by another, to give it up.

Seems K caught on fairly quick to the fact that I was not going to conceed and confide what the mystery gift is which is awaiting her under Grandma’s tree, so she then proceeds to play the guessing game..and goes straight to, “Oh NO..OH NO!! (((laughing))) IT”S CONDOMS..she got us ALL CONDOMS..didn’t she? Geez, I knew it, I knew it..I KNEW IT..I KNEW she was going to do that.”

ME: ((still laughing))

Another footnote here: One of the ladies-in-waiting did indeed deliver a lovely little daughter of her own this past September. Which young lady I shall not say..but Grandma is now a first time Great-Grandma, and the family is very happy and blessed by this newest addition.

K: “I just KNEW she was going to get us condoms, that is just like her, she would think it was something we all NEED, and it would be just her sense of humor to give them to us at Christmas to make a point that she didn’t want any more of us having babies as of yet”..

and K still waffling on:  “Well that is just fine..that is just great, but I am giving my box of condoms to ********, and I suggest everyone else should too, because ****** is the one we all need to keep our eye on, she’s the one that Grandma should be worrying about!”.

Now it doesn’t matter one bit that I am neither confirming nor denying K’s notion that her Grandma is gifting condoms this year, because a Sagittarian that has come to a conclusion, is a Sagittarian that will entertain nothing but the Truth, and that Truth is their own personal conclusion, period.

Knowing this about my daughter, when she asks me to confirm her now certainty that Grandma is definitely presenting them all with the gift of condoms at Christmas I just give a little deeper laugh, knowing very well that K will interpret that in the way she always does in these situations, as an affirmation of her  coming to the absolutely correct conclusion and has nailed the Truth of what her forthcoming gift is.

After I get off the phone with K,  Ali and I sat and giggled over her sister and how she thinks she is getting condoms for Chistmas..and how she came to that all on her own with no outside encouragement as she always does. 🙂

Later though, something else occurred to me.

Grandma, is one smart cookie.

And K, may not have been so off-base as we first thought.

And no, I do not think Grandma would gift these girls condoms, neither does Ali.

As Ali says, “She would see that as giving her approval so therefore she just wouldn’t do that”.

Yet Grandma is a smart cookie and knows quite well that there is more than one approach to any given situation.

And I think K was on to something, they are getting “condoms”, in a sense.

Actually they are getting something that has proven to be a more effective prophylactic then the condoms currently marketed.

They, are getting..the SNUGGIE.

You see, Grandma knows quite well the ins-and-outs of mating rituals, remember I mentioned early on her fiesty demeanor? 😉

And Grandma’s placing her money on the bet that if she keep these girls swaddled from head to toe, the wild boys may just be kept at bay.

For this winter, at least, she may be right.

Up until now in this little tale, I know I have probably sounded as if I am poking at Grandma a good measure.

Well in actuallity,  I have been((snorts))…but I am quite thankful that my girls have this woman looking out for them, and even though she and I in the past went more rounds than I care to admit, I never forget how much she loves these granddaughter’s of hers, and for that, I have great appreciation and thanks.

So, Snuggies all around for Christmas it is…..

Goodness though, it makes me wonder what theme gift is in the works for Easter for her 5 ladies-in-waiting?

Blessings All! kachina