Into the Mystic

I should have told you that I had already decided whom you were going to be, long before you even arrived.

I should have told you that I was never going to love you because I was too busy hating myself.

I should have told you that I noted every little, and big, thing about you that didn’t exactly fit the “You” of my preconceptions and that I truly believed I could help you fix all of them.

I should have told you that I never really knew you at all when I said, “I do”.

I should have told you that if you were not willing to kill everything that you uniquely were, to be the Prince that I imagined you to be, that you should not have said, “I do”, in return.

I should have told you that I had no idea of whom I was so there was never any real possibility of you knowing me either.

I should have told you that every time I expected you to respond to me in the exact same manner that the Prince in my head did, and you failed to meet that expectation, I hated you a bit more for letting me down again.

I should have told you that though I hated you I hated myself exponentially more for failing to be the perfection that I apparently needed to be for my Prince to arise from within you.

I should have told you all of this and so much more; yet I could not for I could not tell what I did not then know myself.

It would be my experiencing of you, and other non-princes, that would lead me to these truths that once evaded me.

All of these fore mentioned confessions I place before you and to these confessions I do now add the following;

I now tell you that you, exactly as you truly were not how I imaged you to be, were perfect for the then version of me, though I could not then see it.

I now tell you that I miss your smile and that I have never met another whom could tell a joke even half as well as you.

I now tell you that I tell our story of gaming and boozing and dancing and laughter, when we were young and broke and all alone, and it is told with a happy heart and a tear.

I now tell you that your dance moves, all two of them, were bad; really truly Awful.

I now tell you that now that I have danced alone for more years than I care to admit; I still think your dance moves sucked but I appreciate the hell out of them, and you, for at least attempting to dance with me.

I now tell you that the day we said “I don’t” I was sure I had made a mistake; I thank you for freeing me of that notion, as well as any extended self torment and pain, the next week when you remarried.

I am not being sarcastic in regards to the fore mentioned; my appreciation is genuine and heartfelt.

I now tell you that I now feel love for you and I am deeply sorry that I could not feel that before when you wished to receive it.

I now tell you that absolutely everything I have shared with you to this point has been in honesty yet undoubtedly more for my own sake than yours. Therefore you owe me not a single anything, ever again in return; “Paid in Full” I consider you to be.

I now tell you this last thing: I’m not sure you will understand any of this and that is alright because the truth is I never really intended to send this to you directly. I trust if and when you need this it will arrive to you, or within you, in some manner and way likely unbeknownst to me.

Farewell Friend, Teacher and Occasional Foe 

Your(??? Whomever you decide me to be; place label here)

~~~~~~~

©Sharon Brodbeck 9.21.2022

Love Letters From Neptune Series Into The Mystic